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Fanfare for the Common Man: I cleaned off my desk today

All this was predicated by a warning from my grandchildren’s Mimi: “When I get home whatever’s on the floor gets tossed in the driveway.”

DP Brown

I take the mother of my children’s threats seriously. This has happened before. If she is nothing else, she is a person of her word.

So, I cleaned off my desk today.

Here are some of the things I found.

I found…

• Grocery receipts dating back six months
• Four CDs, and who listens to CDs anymore?
• Three auto insurance bills. I pay online and stopped receiving paper bills years ago.
• My checkbook – and I haven’t written a check since… 2017. Yes, I checked.
• A Little Caesar’s takeout receipt from March 10.
• A Little Casear’s napkin (sorry, no Little Caesar’s pizza though).
• A singing Christmas card… from the Christmas before COVID. (Tell me that didn’t send a shiver of fear down your spine, you should have seen how high I jumped after opening it). Think the Chipmunks singing White Christmas.
• An envelope I saved that had mathematical calculations scrawled all over it (not sure what I was calculating, but after double-checking, all the answers were correct – yay me).

… A Carl Hiaasen novel “Double Whammy.
… My Iron Man action figure (I wondered where he made off to).
… A guitar repair receipt from February.
… Unopened Sani-Wipes (don’t tell me you’re not shocked at that).
… A Christmas card from someone I don’t know.
… The two sets of ear-bud headphones I’d been looking all weekend for but don’t need now since I went out and bought another pair.
… A folded-up sheet of blank notebook paper.
… A torn slip of notebook paper with a phone number – no name, and when I dial the number no intelligible message recorded.
… A dozen miscellaneous receipts gas receipts from the past year. I used them as bookmarks.
… Three plastic bottle caps.
… A half-empty bottle of Diet Coke.
… Sixty-three cents in change.
… An unused disposable razor (as best I can tell).
… A roll of Johnson & Johnson adhesive tape from when I set myself on fire last.
… Gauze. (See above.)
… A note from my Dad about some old newspaper clippings dating back to the 1930s (no newspaper clippings though, but I’m hopeful of finding them soon).
… A postcard of Lake City, Michigan dated 1961.
… More Sani-Wipes.
… A photograph of a dozen or so people, none of whom I know.
… The lens cap cover to my camera that’s been missing since March but the camera no longer works.
… A Taco Bell receipt for three Burrito Supremes and two hard tacos dated Jan. 21. Remember years ago, when a lady claimed she lost 35 pounds eating nothing but Taco Bell? Apparently, I still believe her.
… A coffee mug inscribed with “I Still Believe” but it’s supposed to be about Santa Claus, not Taco Bell.
… Salted in the shell sunflower seeds sans bag, ranch flavored – ewww.
… A foon (or spork).
… My business card with my phone number written on the back (I guess in case I forget).
… One snapped off eyeglasses stem.
… Eight pens.
… More plastic cutlery.
… A wadded-up Post-It note that says “DON’T FORGET!” (Don’t forget what?)
… An unopened deck of cards.
… Toothpicks.
… A strain of living organism that hasn’t been identified yet.
… A flashlight.
… More business cards of people I don’t know (Who are these people anyway?).
… The paring knife with which I stabbed myself once.
… Jimmy Hoffa – just checking to see if you’re paying attention, but if I’m being honest, he’s in my bedroom.
… A Skittle, cherry I believe.
… My desk calendar flipped to April 2019.

Everything except for the Post-It note with the telephone number I need desperately and NOW.

Don’t laugh.

The refrigerator’s next.

Dan Brown writes as D.P. Brown because of the other Dan Brown. Dan has published 13 novels since 2013. His books can be found on For signed copies, questions and other comments, email Dan is also on Facebook and his books can be found under the D.P. Brown page.